I know it’s a little late, but I hope you’ve had a wonderful welcome to 2023 🙂
Our festive season was so lovely – although, I’m not sure all of our furry babies were too impressed with their outfits… Haha!
Although I’m just getting over a horrible bought of the flu, which doesn’t help matters, I reckon January felt approximately 476 days long! While I haven’t had much opportunity to enjoy riding the horses, and Cai’s walks have mostly been on the pavements instead of fields as it’s so muddy, I’m looking forward to lots of adventures – with both the horses and Cai – as soon as the weather has improved and nights are lighter 🙂
In the interest of transparency, I feel it’s important to shine a light on darkness as well as the brighter times. I’ve been struggling with high levels of anxiety for a few months – which has made the winter weather seem all the darker, at times.
I’m beyond grateful for my fabulous family and friends (including my gorgeous animal family!), because they support me through everything; and I take at least a moment to be thankful for all the beauty I’m fortunate to have in my life, every day. However, sometimes, getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of life can become overwhelming – especially when emetophobia is involved.
Having been held hostage by emetophobia, and its associated anxieties, for over quarter of a century, I felt enough was enough and finally dusted off ‘The Thrive Programme’ textbook I’ve had in the bookcase for eighteen months and made a start on the course. So far it’s been slow progress, but that’s because I haven’t dedicated as much time to it as I should be – though after having a setback while I had the flu, during which I had a terrible panic attack, I’m determined to push through and get on with the course.
Mental health should definitely be as highly regarded as physical health, and I’m done putting myself last all the time. I’ve had it pointed out to me by loved ones that I need to start considering myself and taking care of myself first – so, I am more determined than ever to get ‘The Thrive Programme’ done and dusted; it’s about time I took away the control emetophobia has over my quality of life 🙂
I watched the impressive buzzard in the below photograph effortlessly lift themselves up and out of the fog encompassing them… Nature is on our side, if we take the time to learn how to harness our own power through being calm. Which is why, alongside vanquishing my demons, I’m going to do more of what I love (e.g. spend more time with my husband/family/friends, take Cai on more adventures, ride my horses more often, revel in my own literary creations, read more fantastic books, take up photography again, etc.) – since that’s the reason I work so damn hard constantly. So, please take this as your sign to do the same – life is too short not to relish the wonderfulness in your life; striving to reach a goal isn’t worthwhile if it costs you your health.
And, on an even more positive note, I finally have a plan for my own writing. This year, I’m focused on moving forwards with my literary endeavours; most namely, completing my YA series and its accompanying dyslexia-friendly versions. I also have sooo many other story ideas and endless scribbled notes that could prove to be the kindling that sparks my next novel or series of short stories. So, please ‘watch this space’!
In the meantime, I’ve edited typos in “Larry” and “Animals’ Guide to the Human Race” for the final time (I mean it! Haha) and they’re available in eBook format, as well as paperback and hardcover 🙂
When I get the opportunity, I’m also hoping to update The Emet. Review website and Instagram page – I’ve just been a little too busy to do so for a while, for which I apologise! Though in case you’d like to pay The Emet. Review a visit, here’s the website address: https://emetreview.wordpress.com/
Anyways, I’m going to stop typing now and spend some quality time with Gareth and Cai 🙂
So, I’ve reached the big ‘three-ohh’ :O And I felt it pertinent that I share with you those invaluable pearls of wisdom I wish I’d been privy to before turning 30…
First, however, I’ll just say that my 30th birthday was made so special by loved ones – for which I am eternally grateful! Not only have I received the loveliest birthday wishes, cards, and gifts, but I have been reminded how very fortunate I am to be loved by so many wonderful people (and animals!) – I cannot thank the universe enough 🙂
Here are a few photos from yesterday, when I: ate a marvellous chocolate cupcake for breakfast (because, you know, I’m officially an adult now, so I’m allowed to do that sort of thing); walked through an autumnal landscape on the cusp of transformation with my lovely dog; spent some rare quality time writing for my own literary projects; rode my beautiful pony for the first time in forever, and didn’t fall off when she bucked into canter (#winning); went for a deliciously indulgent meal with my wonderful fiancé, during which time I polished off an entire glass of wine (those who know me know it usually takes me so long to get through an alcoholic beverage, that I rarely have time to finish them!) – then almost fell over on the walk home… 😛
Anyways, to the task at hand…
Please note: these ‘life lessons’ are not in order of importance, though I hope at least one of them will be of value to you 🙂
1.) Love is a life force – never take it for granted.
Whatever form love takes – whether from family, friends, your romantic partner, or your dog – cherish it. I am incredibly fortunate to never have known life without love, though after some pretty devastating experiences in my 30 years on this planet, I have come to realise that love is enough to keep you going when times are tough, and it should never be taken for granted. Tell the ones you love how infinitely you love them every day, make time to spend with the people (and animals) who let you know how important you are to them, and be thankful; you never know what’s lurking just around the corner.
2.) Trust your instincts.
I don’t mean fleeting thoughts or impulsive feelings, I’m referring to those innate, soulful vibes that indicate from somewhere, deep down, whether or not a situation is right. Trusting your instincts requires a significant amount of soul searching, and it doesn’t always lead to pleasing those around you. I’ve made the dreadful mistake of failing to trust my instincts, of ignoring the indicators that something wasn’t quite right, and landing in situations that have not only cost me my sanity, but my sense of self-worth, too.
It can take years to escape a situation if you’re tricked into believing it’s as life is supposed to be, or that your happiness is worth less than the acceptance of people surrounding you at the time. This is your sign to respect the gift nature has bestowed upon you through your instincts – from my own experiences I can tell you wholeheartedly that if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t.
Likewise, listening to that inner voice can lead to true contentment, if you let it. Sometimes, the right path is not the path forced upon us. Trusting your instincts can be difficult, and can make you feel a cacophony of mixed emotions, but, ultimately, there’ll come a day you sit back and realise that trusting yourself was the best thing you’ve ever done.
3.) Kindness is key – in moderation.
Generations of my family have been documented as having lost everything in pursuit of kindness. I’ve been taught to sacrifice consideration of myself in favour of caring for others. Kindness has brought me so much joy, but it has also led to mistreatment and disrespect.
I implore everyone to treat others with kindness; you never know what someone else is going through. Kindness keeps the world turning, and saves lives every second of every day. However, showering people with kindness, respect, and affection does not necessarily guarantee that you will enjoy such treatment in return. Every aspect of my being has been taken advantage of in the past, which is the reason I recommend that it’s vital to be kind -though it is just as essential to be cautious of whom you help, and how.
4.) Perfection is subjective.
I have wasted countless hours of my life comparing myself to others, worrying about how others perceive me, and fussing over my appearance – yet yielding no confidence as a result.
Life is precious. It may sound cliché, but every moment truly is a gift – yet it’s easy to forget that our bodies are a gift, too. Alright, sometimes our bodies don’t work the way we want them to (I lived with recurring bouts of tonsillitis for 16 years before having my tonsils removed, a hand injury changed the course of my life drastically, my skin is super sensitive so often looks blemished, and suffering with emetophobia can wreak havoc on my perception of my body), but the fact we’re able to continue living despite physical challenges proves just how incredibly resilient we are – and that deserves to be celebrated!
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yet perfectionism steals that acknowledgement from us when we perceive ourselves as anything less than perfection. But do you know what? You are perfect. At this very moment, you are perfect, just as you are. Your unique experiences tell a story through your body, so comparing your story to someone else’s is utterly futile.
Please don’t waste a minute that could be spent feeling good about yourself on making yourself feel unworthy. I admit, I still have some body image issues to overcome, though with the incredible support system surrounding me – in conjunction with a lot of effort on my behalf to change how I see myself – I’m improving every day; so can you.
All the issues I possess surrounding my appearance, alongside my lack of body confidence, stem from various sources – such as being bullied in school, being cheated on, being subject to sexual/coercive abuse, and years of bombardment of photoshopped/heavily edited imagery through all media/social media outlets designed to instil self-loathing that funds the conglomerate gluttony of the ‘beauty’ industry which eats away at our sense of self-worth. My point is, there are so many reasons to feel bad about ourselves and to put ourselves down, but at the end of the day, there are infinitely more reasons to feel good about ourselves; a primary one being that perfection is unattainable. Why are we wasting our time and energy in pursuit of a state that doesn’t actually exist?
Each of us has a unique vision of what we believe perfection is. The only aspect of your life stopping you from being perfect, from feeling perfect, is you.
Practice plenty of self-love, take care of your body and nurture your mind – it helps.
And even if you never feel perfect yourself, I promise there is someone out there who truly knows you to fit their perception of perfection 🙂
5.) Talking is tonic – and animals are the best counsellors!
Communicating your deepest, darkest fears can feel intimidating – not least because we’ve been conditioned to believe that vulnerability equals weakness. As someone who spent years hiding away from the reality of a situation, and failing to tell anyone what I was suffering, I am in a qualified position to say that talking is vital – not only for maintaining your mental health, but in many ways for the good of your physical health, too.
The toll of secrecy devours your soul until there’s not much of yourself left to salvage. Fear held me captive for such a long time that I almost had no route for escape.
If you are going through something, whether it feels harrowing or humdrum, talking about it to a trusted loved one – or even to a professional listener, such as a psychologist or GP – can make all the difference in strengthening your resolve to endure it.
There are sooo many services out there you can reach out to for help, support, and advice; please don’t ever feel weak for talking about your worries – instead, realise just how strong you are for having the courage to share.
I cannot stress enough how wonderful animals are in any healing process. By sharing your innermost concerns, memories, and regrets with a listener whose judgement will never be anything but positive, you’ll feel far better. So, whether it’s a cwtch with a cat, adventuring with a dog, chatting to a budgerigar, or exploring glorious countryside with a horse, connecting with animals can provide a purpose beyond ourselves that can help us realise that there’s incredible beauty to be discovered in every realm of life, if we just learn to let go of our self-limiting inhibitions.
Welcome to my ‘Dannika Writes… A Book Review‘ series! 🙂
As a writer, I have a natural affinity with words. So, it makes sense that I enjoy reading the literary creations of others, too. I began writing book reviews many moons ago; I was in a book club and it was suggested to me by a kind person there that I share my reviews online, as they believed others would appreciate my honest approach to reviewing reads both great and not-so-great.
Being a published author myself, I also realise how awesome it is knowing someone has taken the time to appreciate your efforts to entertain and/or enlighten them, then gone above and beyond to tell others about it as well. Reviews are vital to the success of every book in every genre; and that isn’t necessarily tied to positive reviews and recommendations. From an author’s perspective, constructive criticism plays an essential role in the development of one’s writing, and ultimately, it becomes something every writer appreciates (even if they don’t realise it at the time!).
I only read paperbacks, by the way – which is the reason I include links to the paperback copies of books I’ve reviewed. While I know eBooks are amazing – and that maybe, one day, I’ll get into reading them too – I’m afraid that, for me, nothing beats the delectable scent of a fresh, new paperback or that sensation of being able to actually hold a literary masterpiece #literarynerd (I advise against falling asleep whilst reading though; being thumped on the head by a book is not so fun…). However, should you feel that fellow readers would appreciate a link to the eBook version of a book, please include it in the comments below.
Before you delve into this blog post, I believe it’s worth mentioning that I do not apply ratings to my reviews. In my opinion, every writer is an individual and, to be honest, I don’t believe it’s fair to compare their works – how would one even rate the work of mystery writer in comparison to a romance novelist, or a sci-fi aficionado in comparison to a non-fiction biographer? If you’re happy to place a rating value on a particular book, however, please feel free to include that in the comment section of this blog post 🙂
(Please note that I will be adding a brand new Book Review page to The Emet. Review website, for those of you who have emetophobia.)
“Between life and death there is a library. When Nora Seed finds herself in the Midnight Library, she has a chance to make things right. Up until now, her life has been full of misery and regret. She feels she has let everyone down, including herself. But things are about to change.
The books in the Midnight Library enable Nora to live as if she had done things differently. With the help of an old friend, she can now undo every one of her regrets as she tries to work out her perfect life. But things aren’t always what she imagined they’d be, and soon her choices place the library and herself in extreme danger. Before time runs out, she must answer the ultimate question: what is the best way to live?”
My Review:
The Midnight Library is an incredible feat of literary magnificence. It is about the headspace Nora Seed has been forced to occupy by depression – as her soul is suspended between life and death – and the storyline follows her journey through lives she could have lived.
Although Nora’s character is so real and relatable, my favourite character is Mrs Elm (though I won’t go into too much detail about her, so as not to share any spoilers!). The book is written from a third-person limited perspective, which enhances the story’s emotive qualities without forcing the overwhelming intensity of a first-person point of view.
I enjoy ghost stories, and while The Midnight Library isn’t a ghost story, I found the scenes Haig depicted to be ethereal and compelling. In fact, I lost quite a few hours’ sleep as I read the entire book within two nights! It may have been the lack of sleep, but I admit to crying and laughing aloud as I read this book; something I haven’t done whilst reading for a long, long time.
The Midnight Library forces you to consider your own mental health, as well as recognise how deeply another’s mental health could be affecting their life and the decisions they make – even if there’s no obvious sign of that to the outside world. The book encourages empathy for fellow human beings too, without focusing wholly on the negative aspects of mental health that led protagonist Nora to become suspended between life and death.
While reading The Midnight Library, it quickly becomes obvious that Haig truly understands the state of Nora’s mind as she contemplates all aspects of her life throughout the book. It encapsulates the significance of choices, both major and seemingly minor, by highlighting the positive difference we can make to others’ lives without even realising it – as well as reminding us that we aren’t always in control of the tragedies that befall us.
Despite the dark moments depicted within the book’s page-turning story, ultimately, The Midnight Library is one of the most uplifting books I have ever read. I wholeheartedly recommend The Midnight Library to everyone; it is a work of genius not to be missed!
After seeing so many wonderful posts about body positivity lately, I’ve decided to add to the positive vibes currently sweeping through the ether, by writing my views on portrait photography.
Coronavirus lockdown restrictions have caused many of us to spend considerably more time than usual scrolling our way through the confidence-destroying minefield of social media. I truly believe that photographs of ourselves ought to be pondered in the same light we perceive our own reflection in a pool of water. Much as a reflection distorts your features, a photograph captures one very specific millisecond of time at an often unrealistic angle (in that most fellow humans are unlikely to look at you the way a camera does); a fleeting glimpse into an entire life; an echo, impossible to replicate (without highly advanced technology). Meaning that all those ‘perfect’ portrait images we see plastered throughout virtually every form of visual media are just one split second, modified snapshot amidst a lifetime.
It has been said that an image conveys a thousand words, but in the case of social media, an image can conceal a thousand truths.
Smartphones make it easier than it has ever been to adjust photographs to an advanced degree, with photo-editing software built in as standard – not to mention the plethora of ‘filters’ available to utilise on every social media platform, allowing people the opportunity to avoid ever having to share an ‘unflattering’ photograph again.
I admit that I may unintentionally perpetuate that style of editorial imagery to a lesser degree; I try not to share photographs I feel are unflattering of me because I don’t want my social media accounts to be less appealing, or for readers/potential readers to think less of me/my writing because I’m not what society might deem ‘worthy’ unless I am aesthetically pleasing to the majority of my (albeit limited) audience – I do understand that that is part of the problem. I suppose in order to remedy it, I have to determine whether I’m doing that to please myself, or to attempt to be noticed as a worthwhile writer amidst a sea of professionally managed social media profiles – something I promise to work on as best I can, to set a better example for younger generations.
As an example of how a unique individual can be perceived in a variety of ways, I took these photographs within the space of 1 minute – note how differently I look in every photograph, thanks to changes in lighting, angles, and even the addition of filters…
Please remember when looking at photos of yourself: *Different Photographs; Same Worth* Although the camera has captured me differently in all these images, I’m still me 🙂
Whilst it can be frustrating that the majority of social media accounts – both personal and professional – support fakery that funds the beauty industry, by making us all feel we have to live up to unrealistic standards in order to be considered ‘beautiful’ by society, it’s worth remembering that they are people too; and the more airbrushed, photoshopped, filtered their images are, the more insecure they’re likely to feel about how they look in reality. Their intention may not necessarily be to make you feel negatively about yourself, but to try feel better about themselves. And the truth is, there’s someone out there right now who admires a quality you have that they do not, and it’s almost certainly the person you least expect it to be.
In light of this, I’d like to add my voice to the increasing plethora of positive posts, by sharing some of my own story and commentary on the journey to self-confidence (that I am currently embarking on too)…
1.) I’ve been working on overcoming the countless insecurities I have about my appearance. For instance, I have extremely sensitive skin, e.g. I end up with a terrible rash when I shave my legs; I suffer with spots from time to time (caused by over-washing due to OCD linked to emetophobia); my hair gets oily quickly (so I wash it all the time which, ironically, makes it worse); make-up never seems to look flawless on me – although it seems to look nice on everyone else – and I get sunburned so easily that tanning naturally (to hide imperfections) is not an option (though the thought of using fake tan terrifies me – I’m certain I’d do something wrong and would end up looking/feeling ridiculous!). I’ve always been self-conscious about my nose, after it was broken by a horse when I was 10, as it doesn’t resemble the idyllic ‘button nose’ that various beauty/media industries suggest is most attractive. And I’ve recently found out that I have a dislocated jaw – that may have been caused by the misalignment of braces I wore as a teenager – to accompany the damage braces did to the enamel of my teeth (the glue they used left a few small yellowish stains on my teeth that the dentist can’t remove without damaging the enamel further), meaning I’m unlikely to ever have a lens-worthy set of perfectly straight, pearly-white teeth. That, together with the insecurities I have about having put on weight due to major life changes over the last few years (beginning with a serious hand injury 6 years ago that ended my equestrian career), led to my feeling awful about myself 99% of the time – which, as a consequence, meant I suffered more anxiety about my appearance than usual (I already have emetophobia and its associated anxieties), and it all became a miserable cycle of self-deprecation that had to stop before it spiralled into depression (again). Thankfully, my incredible boyfriend, wonderful family, and fantastic friends made me realise that all that stuff is inconsequential in the grand scheme of life – absolutely none of those aspects I’m insecure about take away from who I am, how hard I work at everything, or the reasons I try my best to help people/animals however I can. My insecurities are just that, my insecurities; my loved ones don’t love me in spite of all those things, I’m loved because I am me no-matter what. A realisation I hope you’re able to revel about yourself in too 🙂
2.) Nobody cares whether you have strawberry skin after you shave, whether you have acne, or that you don’t have a flawless tan, nor does it affect their life that you’re worried about wearing tight clothes because your body doesn’t resemble the inhuman form of a mannequin, or that you have stretch marks/cellulite/scars on show if you wear certain clothes – you’re but a momentary consideration at most as they go about their daily business at the shops, or you walk past them on the street, or they are enjoying their day at the beach/park/restaurant (especially after a year and a half of lockdown!). And if you are still worried, it’s worth remembering that those who judge you negatively for such insignificant things (in the grand scheme of life) likely only do so because it deflects from issues they have with themselves. Also, it doesn’t actually matter what they think of you.
3.) I repeat as its own comment (and I suggest you repeat this to yourself): it *does not matter* what people think of your appearance (unless, of course, you’re at a job interview). What if someone does have a fleeting negative thought about your appearance; did it cause you physical harm? Do you care about the stranger enough to act on their fleeting, negative response (for instance, enduring some sort of barbaric cosmetic procedure to appease strangers)? And finally, what right does some random stranger have to make you feel negatively about yourself when they don’t know anything about you? Please don’t give power to the unfair, unhealthy culture and unrealistic expectations to look a certain way to be accepted – instead, accept yourself for the unique brand of wonderfulness only you can offer the world.
4.) Fact: our bodies change constantly. Therefore, it is as unhealthy as it is unrealistic to believe that you cannot be beautiful or handsome or worthy of adoration unless you fit into those jeans you used to wear a decade ago, or that top you used to love that you wish you still looked great in, or, unless you fit a specific image bombarded by all forms of visual media as being the ‘ultimate specimen of human perfection’ (an image which, if you study the ‘ideal body shape/size/configuration’ through the ages you’ll discover is constantly shifting and evolving). Eat your favourite food guilt-free, wear clothes that are comfortable, and find a way to exercise that you actually enjoy instead of counting calories, avoiding clothes you’re afraid people might ‘judge’ you for wearing, and forcing yourself to participate in exercise that doesn’t bring you joy in pursuit of unattainable ‘perfection’. The human body is an incredible vessel of evolution; love yours, nurture it, and appreciate every fibre of your being for the masterpiece it is!
5.) The universe needs you just the way you are. Please stop comparing yourself to others when there’s not a person on this planet capable of comparing to you because, honestly, they’re not you – the knowledge of which ought to provide you with an untold sense of power and self-belief 🙂
5.) As challenging as it is, in order to improve my own self-confidence, I practice what I preach and continuously push myself to become the beautifully confident person I deserve to be…
For example, I am taking action to improve my health and fitness, to help me feel better for myself – as opposed to that motivation being to look beautiful just to please the world (confidence is attractive in itself, so I’m told!). I am also trying really hard to ease my anxiety over my skin issues, and though it may sound minor to many, I felt a strange sense of accomplishment the other day when I didn’t shave that morning (I usually shave my legs every time I intend to wear shorts or a dress – which takes ages because I obsessively remove every hair I consider unsightly) yet still wore shorts all day and even went shopping! There were a few stray hairs I couldn’t reach on my right leg (thanks to my hand injury) that I hadn’t noticed until I returned from shopping, which was the moment I realised I survived without any negative effects of having not shaved that morning – I didn’t notice one person give so much as a glance at me, let alone the dramatic reactions of displeasure I believed might accompany my decision not to overthink going out with strawberry legs. It was more comfortable to wear shorts than to have worn jeans, yet I almost made myself uncomfortable by wearing jeans because of the reaction I thought I’d receive for having a teeny tiny amount of stubble on my legs. As it happens, it didn’t feel like anyone cared about the fact I had a few stray hairs on my right leg – the fact people just carried on with their own business felt great; who’d have thought being invisible could feel satisfying! But then it struck me, the reason we strive to fit in is for that reason; because no reaction is better than a negative one, no-matter how minor – and in order for all that hard work that goes in to looking nice to be worthwhile, a positive reaction provides a flash of acceptance that makes us feel incredible about ourselves, even for a millisecond.
However, it really shouldn’t be up to other people to determine how incredible we feel about ourselves. Of course, we want to look attractive to encourage self-confidence, to help ourselves appreciate what we see in the mirror (or on a smartphone camera app), and to please our partners – though my amazing boyfriend has assured me that when you’re in love with the right person, it doesn’t matter if you have spots, or you put on a little weight, or your hair needs a wash, since that love is deeper than one’s superficial appearance (I believe the reason the right person loves you is because their soul connects with yours on a cosmic level – your partner loves you in your entirety because of who you are; which makes you the most attractive person in the universe to them, irrespective of your self-perceived ‘physical imperfections’). If you don’t have a partner to remind you of your awesomeness, consider how much your family and friends love you – and I guarantee that love has absolutely nothing to do with what you look like; what feeling could be more incredibly confidence-inspiring than that? 🙂
Life is short. Please don’t waste a moment feeling insignificant because of your insecurities – you are so much more than your portrayal in a photograph <3
I’m always apologising for being busy, though this time, I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to include a brief (well, brief in terms of my writing) update along with my hope that all is going wonderfully well in your life – if it isn’t, please know you are not alone 🙂
So, I finally completed my Stage 2 modules as I study for BA(Hons) English Literature & Creative Writing with the Open University. Due to my ridiculously heavy workload, I initially intended to complete one module at a time for the final Stage 3 section of my degree, though I’ve given deep thought into what I’d like to achieve, and have had endless discussions with my loved ones about my terrible attempts to forge a work-life balance – I’ve come to the conclusion that if I am to relieve pressure long term, I’m going to follow their advice and study full time from Sept/Oct this year, so I’ll have less pressure on my time as of June/July 2022. That means I’m going to take a small step back from taking on new ghostwriting clients with lengthy projects – if you’re a prospective client with a lengthy project, I apologise! But I have to focus on improving the quality of my assignment scores, since I achieved 80%-95% for Stage 1 modules (though I did complete them part time, around part time employment) and only 65%-75% for Stage 2 modules (completed around self-employment; the hours for which I spend working I dread to count!). I am still accepting smaller projects, such as blog posts, website content, articles, and short stories 🙂
I am not at liberty to discuss any aspect of ghostwriting projects – as I sign confidentiality agreements for every project – though I can let you know that business has been incredibly busy, for which I am exceedingly thankful! Unfortunately, I did experience my first (and hopefully last) setback in my ghostwriting endeavours, when a client failed to pay the final fee for their project; they disappeared the day after I sent them the final document. I admit that my trust in the basic, moral goodness of human nature was tested, and though I have chalked it up to being a valuable lesson learned, it was also the catalyst for my decision to pursue the completion of my degree full time as I reassessed what I’d like to achieve through ghostwriting. It saddens me that despite my best efforts to help people and make a difference for the better, someone could be so thoughtless as to waste my valuable time and effort – especially since I’d turned down other projects to help the client, as there was a tight deadline and I was told the project meant a lot to them. So, I have decided to focus on completing my degree, and whilst I will continue ghostwriting and proofreading, I am only going to take on projects I know I’ll enjoy, as I am going to spend more time on my own writing whilst I pursue a primary school teaching career (unless, in the meantime, I manage to emulate a fraction of J.K. Rowling’s success with my own novels, enabling me to write for myself full time; which is highly unlikely!).
I have always been driven to make a difference for the better, something I have strived to do through ghostwriting and proofreading – for instance, I’ve taken on many projects free of charge for charitable organisations, alongside my busy work schedule – though have found that my love of writing has been tested on occasion when I’ve had to work 14-hour days while struggling to juggle everything going on in my hectic schedule. Enduring a miscarriage – as well as suffering with my mental health as a result of the constant stress caused by the struggle against the rising pressure of everything – has taught me that life is too short not to do what I love for a living. Whilst I love writing – and have earned more money through ghostwriting than any other job I’ve ever had – I cannot sustain the level of work I have been. I’m not making as much of a difference for the better as I intended through the type of ghostwriting work I do. Although I am going to continue working for several of my fantastic clients, for whom I provide ghostwriting projects regularly, I will be dedicating more of my time to achieving success with my own writing (since I’m able to do so for my clients, I may as well try writing bestselling pieces formyself too!), and I am going to work towards becoming a primary school teacher; following in the footsteps of many amazing female relatives before me, primary school teaching is a career I expect to be as challenging as it is creative, but will allow me steady, structured working hours and the ability to work as part of a team and ‘switch off’ at the end of the day (instead of being immersed in my solitary work 24/7) – enabling me to make the most of my life, whilst still making a positive difference to many young people’s lives 🙂
Moving on from my career aspirations, I created a special book for my niece (whom I hadn’t seen for a year due to pandemic lockdown restrictions) for her 5th birthday. She’s going through a tough time with her health, so I felt it would cheer her up to have a book created specially for her 🙂 Whilst I still have a lot to learn in terms of illustration and typesetting a fully-illustrated document, I thoroughly enjoyed working on Evelyn-Rose’s book around my crazy work/uni/life schedule; it helped me channel stressful energy into something positive. In case you’d like to view it for yourself, the link to the listing for “Evelyn-Rose’s Magical Adventure” is here.
Something I’d been debating for many years was getting a second tattoo. My first experience was traumatic, to say the least, so I’ve spent years researching and pondering whether the benefits outweigh the risks. Though I am pleased to say that I did go ahead with getting a tattoo, inspired by a photograph I’d taken on the last family holiday we went on with my wonderful grandparents – something my late Nan and I talked about for a while was my getting a peacock butterfly tattoo, so I hope she’d have appreciated my decision to finally go ahead with getting it done 🙂 As it happens, butterflies are also representative of the beauty of change, of hope, and of triumph through adversity – a fitting testament to my life experiences.
I have been revelling in the beautiful weather lately, taking every opportunity I can to get Cai walked and ride/spend time with my horses, as well as to delve back in to another of my hobbies – photography 🙂 I’ve not been feeling quite myself, so I’m currently working hard to exercise more and eat healthier, in hope of losing weight, improving my strength, and toning up; I’m pleased to report that it’s only been a couple of weeks since I finished my final end-of-module uni assignments, though I feel better already for spending more time out and about. You can follow some of Cai’s adventures on his Instagram page.
However, as often seems to be the case, my injuries have made being more active far from straightforward. Not only has my hand been more painful lately (due to increased exercise through following YouTube HIIT/Pilates videos, horse riding, Cai pulling on his lead, etc.), but I have discovered that my jaw is dislocated and has been causing me major issues in the form of pain, swelling, and headaches – I had mistaken the issue as being an impacted wisdom tooth for a long time; it was the thought of having another tooth removed that put me off making an appointment with the dentist, but if non-invasive treatments don’t work, I might have to go through some pretty unpleasant surgery on my jaw o.O
My boyfriend, Gareth, and I have a few events to attend this year, as well as a few days away in Edinburgh to look forward to this summer – and I’m working hard on improving my self-confidence – so, I’ve spent a little time practising using make-up. My skin has been terrible lately – which I imagine is largely stress-based – and that hasn’t helped me feel better about myself. Whilst I’m nowhere near as great at using make-up as I’d like to be, I’m hopeful my face painting/sculpting skills will continue to improve…
I’ve been working hard to improve my confidence whilst driving, and am pleased to be making progress 🙂 I even went to the cinema a couple of days ago, for the first time in around 18 months!
Annndd I’ve decided to dedicate as much time as I can to my own writing by taking it more seriously – as such, I’ve signed up for Mslexia and WritersHQ, which will help me gain confidence by interacting more frequently with fellow writers. I’ll be making more time to read books from fantastically inspirational authors too, to improve my writing as much as possible and ‘switch off’ – just received a mega Waterstones order; anyone else love that ‘new book’ scent? 😉
I hope to be more active in terms of content creation for my blog from now on, so you can expect more interesting posts than this – such as a short story series, book reviews, and a variety of posts about all things literary, equestrian, and mental health 🙂
Anyways, I hope all is well with you; I look forward to reading messages about all the exciting things happening in your lives too!
So, I have decided to incorporate a social media post I wrote into blog post form, in case someone who doesn’t follow my social media accounts might find it helpful…
Rarely does a news story interest me enough to comment upon, though Harry and Meghan’s interview with Oprah has shed light on the fact that there are still those who give fellow human beings cause not to speak about whatever struggles they are facing because of how those struggles may be perceived.
This is the twenty-first century not the Middle Ages – humanity is now aware that mental health issues are a form of illness, and that mental health is as significant as physical health in terms of maintaining the human body in a healthy state.
Whether or not you believe that Meghan struggled with suicidal thoughts, at least she has spoken about them on a highly public platform – that action in itself will hopefully be enough to encourage others to find the courage to reach out for help.
We’re currently experiencing an unprecedented situation that our generation has never known the like of before. This pandemic has forced many of us to spend a heck of a lot of time in our own company, and as such, should have taught humanity the importance of acting responsibly and respectfully in order to save our loved ones from an illness that has proven devastating for so many. I have seen countless examples of the kindness this bizarre situation has been catalyst for, and long may that continue once this pandemic is over – though it has also revealed the ugly side of humanity, the selfish and the judgemental, for which there should be no tolerance this day and age. Had every person on the planet acted with consideration for others, this pandemic would likely have ceased to be a long time ago.
It’s time to talk about taboo topics. It’s time to make a difference for the better. It’s time we stopped tolerating trolls and dishonesty. It’s time to stop snap judgements and stop comparing ourselves to others as if we’re all in some sort of ridiculous competition.
The orchid is beautiful, as is the rose – in fact, there are thousands upon thousands of beautiful flowers in existence on our glorious planet; not everyone will agree that the orchid is beautiful, just as others might not consider the rose beautiful – yet those differences of opinion do not take away from the fact that in their own way, every individual flower has a beauty and significance that cannot be compared to another – after all, the sun still shines upon every one, irrespective of their differences
Please, for the love of goodness, stop comparing everyone and everything to everyone and everything else!
You are unique: your body is capable of incredible power and your mind is without limitation thanks to human sentience. Though absolutely none of that wonderfulness is lessened by the fact that you have difficult days sometimes – we all do.
If you are struggling in any way, please reach out for help.
We’re continuously being bombarded with messages, both subliminal and direct, that anything less than ‘perfection’ is unworthy – yet by our very nature humans are, in fact, imperfect. It is our imperfections that define us and shape who we are as we strive to become a better version of ourselves – so why are we allowing those messages to prevent us from appreciating our-awesome-selves wholeheartedly?
Instead of being made to feel insignificant or inferior by the media in order to fuel their greed through conflict – whether that conflict is within ourselves or with others – let’s remove everything from our social media feeds that perpetuate misery, and instead celebrate all that makes humanity wonderful
You matter. They matter. I matter.
No-matter our race, beliefs, sexual orientation, interests, jobs, or mental health situation, we all ought to treat fellow humans with kindness and respect – and should expect nothing less than to be treated with kindness and respect by fellow humans in return; that is a basic human right not a privilege.
I suppose this is a bizarre way to find out whether those close to me read my blog; if you’re a relative or friend of mine ‘in real life’, I’m so sorry you’re discovering this experience here – though please know that I chose not to tell you because I believed that you didn’t need to share in the sadness too, there’s already enough of us upset by this without extending that beyond our parents and siblings. Besides, everyone seems to have more than enough on their plate right now, so it’s no use causing further distress about something nobody could do anything about. (If you’d like to speak to me about it, please send a private message as opposed to broadcasting anything publicly on my social media accounts – I certainly don’t want my grandparents finding out, as due to lockdown I haven’t seen them for a long time and this would only upset them unnecessarily!) I’m writing about my experience because I find writing cathartic, and I long to help others who have experienced/are experiencing/will experience similar situations – it’s so important that nobody feels alone, especially going through something like this.
** Warning: there may be content some might find upsetting – read at your own risk! **
Before I share my experiences, I send my sincerest condolences to anyone who has ever experienced pregnancy loss, miscarriage and stillbirth. Unfortunately, I am now a member of the (sadly) not-so-exclusive miscarriage club.
I understand that there are those who have had more traumatic experiences than I have, for which I am truly devastated and my thoughts go out to every one of you. Though I’d like to remind anyone grieving that your experience is not lessened by the perception that someone else’s experience seems worse than yours for whatever reason. The loss of a baby is devastating, irrespective of their stage of development – they still had a life, however briefly; they will always be part of you, and it’s important to remember that they existed, you created them, and it’s perfectly acceptable to mourn their passing.
My story is an unusual one, however, because my boyfriend and I didn’t know that I was pregnant. We believed I might have been for a couple of weeks, though at-home tests returned negative for pregnancy and although the GP claimed there was no need to test for pregnancy through blood tests because at-home tests would’ve ruled out pregnancy, the results of routine blood tests I had indicated that my hormone levels were all fine, aside progesterone being a little low (it’s normally high in a healthy pregnancy), so the GP believed I was likely to have an ovarian cyst that was stopping my menstrual cycle from happening for 15 weeks. As I write this, I’m still awaiting an ultrasound appointment to assess whether I had or have an ovarian cyst or something similar – though my body seems to be healing, so I imagine my issues were, in fact, pregnancy related. The symptoms I had were obviously pregnancy related, though I had no choice but to explain them away with whatever excuses I could think of at the time, since tests told me I wasn’t pregnant and I was made to feel it would be foolish to believe what my body was telling me.
I started getting menstrual-like cramping to the point I felt faint one night, so I assumed it was the long-awaited return of my menstrual cycle, which happened to be attacking with a vengeance after being MIA for so long. A week of mild cramping then became a week of ‘spotting’ and back ache following all forms of exercise. Then, 2:25am on 4th March 2021, I experienced the most severe menstrual cramps I had ever had in my entire life, accompanied by heavy bleeding. That excruciating pain continued in waves over the course of the day and night, to the point I could barely move off the sofa and struggled to get comfortable. Finally, at 1am on 5th March 2021, I managed to fall asleep. When I woke with one last wave of cramping at 7:30am 5th March 2021, I rushed into the bathroom, after feeling the strangest sensation I’ve ever experienced, to discover I had miscarried something that appeared to resemble part of a fetus and accompanying ‘mass’ whose development must have ceased between 8 and 9 weeks according to my own research; after which the relief was almost instantaneous – all the cramping, heavy bleeding, and uncertainty had gone. I took a photograph in case the GP might need to see it to check it was all there or whatever they do in such situations, though I couldn’t bring myself to investigate the ‘mass’ to check what the complete (that’s if it was indeed ‘complete’) fetus looked like and my boyfriend agreed that it could prove more traumatic and wouldn’t help wrap my head around it anyway. I called the GP surgery at 8:30am, having composed myself after an hour of sobbing; the receptionist was lovely and checked that I had someone with me – though I didn’t receive a call back until around 2:30pm. There was absolutely nothing the GP could do apparently (it wasn’t the GP I’d been dealing with throughout all this) – though they informed it was more than likely a miscarriage despite negative pregnancy test results, I was shocked that they didn’t advise of any organisations I could contact for further support, advice, or comfort; in fact, they were keen to rush off the phone. At least all the pain, discomfort, and confusion I’d experienced for the last few months had suddenly disappeared.
I realise that, for whatever reason, my pregnancy wasn’t viable because there must have been some chromosomal abnormality that meant the fetus couldn’t develop. Without any medical advice, from what I can fathom, the negative tests meant that there wasn’t enough pregnancy hormone in my body to sustain a full-term, healthy pregnancy – which was more than likely due to the fact that the fetus simply wasn’t viable. As for the reason my body held onto the fetus for weeks after it ceased to be, I could only hazard a guess that because my body wasn’t 100% certain of the pregnancy in the first place, there was no way of realising the pregnancy needed to end until my body came to terms with the fact that there was definitely no live fetus to care for anymore, instead there was an ‘alien-like mass’ that needed to be expelled before it caused a problem. I do take comfort in the fact that even for a short time that fetus was alive and growing – which is why I have decided to refer to them as ‘Moment’. I know it would be ridiculous to give a name to an undeveloped fetus whose existence I didn’t truly know about until they were no longer connected with me, though I feel it important to recognise their existence whilst simultaneously acknowledging my experience of losing them.
It seems that everyone around me are able to have happy, healthy babies and share with the world the wonders – as well as the stresses and pressures – that accompany their adventure into parenthood. I truly am delighted for every one of them, and wish them well – but it certainly doesn’t help the grieving process I’m having to endure that I hadn’t prepared for in any way, shape, or form.
Maybe one day I’ll be fortunate enough to become a mother – though maybe I’ll never have the chance to embark on the adventure of motherhood due to circumstances out of my control; who knows?
What I do know is that this devastating, excruciating, shocking experience has brought my boyfriend and I closer together. We both believe that everything happens for a reason, we’re infinitely grateful for all the wonderfulness we already have in our life together, and we know how lucky we are to have one another <3
I haven’t sought professional support for my experiences (primarily because I keep pondering whether this experience is less valid because the pregnancy was never detected let alone viable), although I may choose to sometime in the near future – however, just in case you’re in need of support, here’s a list of organisations I’ve been assured are amazing at helping people through any form of pregnancy loss, miscarriage, or stillbirth:
Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus, or, Happy St David’s Day (if you don’t speak Welsh)!
The national flower of Wales is the beautiful Daffodil 🙂
Soooo sorry I’ve not updated my blog in a while, it’s been a busy few months… o.O
I’ve been struggling to manage my time effectively (so, nothing new there) – which has often led to me working until between 11pm and 1am most nights a week. Not only have I been busy with some great ghostwriting projects, I’ve also been working hard to keep up with both of my university modules. However, that has meant I’ve lost out on precious time I could have spent with my boyfriend, dog, and horses (if it weren’t for lockdown that list would be far longer!) – as well as meaning I’ve had to put the writing of my own novels on hold. Two weeks ago I decided enough was enough, I’d hit a metaphorical wall and felt completely burned out. Therefore, I caught up with all the work I needed to and gifted myself 2 weeks off to take a step back from work and enjoy my life. I’m happy to report that I’ve done just that! 🙂
Despite my mare’s attempts to get herself stuck in a fence whilst trying to remove her own shoe, meaning a few days of box rest and bandages while waiting for the farrier, I have managed to get some schooling done with my horses – which has been wonderful 🙂
Clipping is definitely not my forte… #oops
The first time we’ve encountered a jump in years 😀
What a mess 🙁
I’m pleased to report that my bandaging efforts were more successful than my attempts at clipping – this bandage lasted the entire night ;P
I do need to get fitter and lose weight, though I promise I haven’t turned into a marshmallow – I was wearing about a thousand layers in this photo! #itwasfreezing
I’ve spent lots of time cwtched up watching films in the evenings with my boyfriend – who is amazing at keeping me from stress-spiralling and supports me through absolutely everything, for which I am eternally grateful 🙂
#snowday2021
My dog and I have enjoyed lots of brilliant walks, taking in the beauty of nature as it’s about to blossom into spring – he’s also needed a few baths, thanks to the muddy conditions clinging on after winter 🙂
#walkies
Spring if finally here! 😀
And, last but not least, I’ve actually managed to enjoy writing my own novels! I’m in the ‘world-building’ phase at the moment, and am working on tidying up plots and storylines before getting down to business and getting the actual manuscripts written. I’d actually written a manuscript for the first novel around 4 years ago, though have pretty much scrapped that and am starting again. All I’m at liberty to share with you right now is that it’s a YA Sci-Fi series, that will eventually link to a fully illustrated children’s book series I also intend to write… I’m hoping to attain representation from a literary agent when I’ve completed all of the manuscripts, though because I’m so busy I have no set schedule for completion 🙂
#literarylife
That’s it for my relatively boring blog post today – I will try to get some interesting content written as soon as I have time to, promise! I hope you’re all coping as well as you possibly can with your local coronavirus restrictions, and I hope the arrival of spring is as inspiring for you as it is for me 🙂 Infinite thanks for your continued support <3
As I write, at this very moment, I have absolutely no idea where this post will lead…
I’m not sure how much you know of me, so as a brief recap: I was in a toxic relationship for five and a half years, married on 10th September 2016, left him on 20th July 2018 when I discovered he’d been having an affair, then was officially divorced on 10th April 2019.
That relationship left me with scars so deep I’m not sure they’ll ever disappear. However, with infinite thanks to my phenomenal family, wonderful boyfriend, and amazing friends, those scars are fading more with each passing day.
I’m not going to bore you with the details of that relationship, other than to share that because of the abuse (emotional and sexual), the betrayal, the torment I endured at the hands of a narcissist, I am who I am today. Though no, he deserves no credit. The strength it took to endure that relationship, combined with the courage to walk away, belongs solely to me. I acknowledge the reality that without him, I may not have realised the extent of my power – to which I allow acceptance of my experiences, as opposed to regret.
After being severely hurt by a person you believed loved you, many people advise you to ‘forgive and forget’. Unless you’ve been through the devastating emotive spiral following any form of betrayal, you could never understand how impossible forgiveness is. Having been raised a Christian, I can fathom the freeing effects of forgiveness – though something you’re never taught is how to handle hate. I’ll see the good in someone before I’ll see the bad; an aspect of my personality that has landed me in countless difficult situations that could have been avoided had I trusted my instincts, that aforementioned relationship a case in point. Something he forced me to feel that I had never, ever known before was hatred, akin to facing a nefarious inner enemy on a daily basis. While that could have easily led to me losing myself, I chose to live to the full instead.
It has been an arduous road littered with unforeseen pitfalls, though finally, I can say with deserved pride that I no longer hate the man who hurt me – I pity him.
I am thankful for every blessing in my life, however seemingly small. I love wholeheartedly, I embrace my flaws yet work tirelessly to improve, I truly care about making a difference for the better, and I am no longer a victim of the relentless inner torture that followed all the forms of betrayal I’ve known.
I’ve been reading Othello by William Shakespeare as part of my university course, and this line struck me, “To mourn a mischief that is past and gone / Is the next way to draw new mischief on”
The reason I spiraled in a whirlpool of self-doubt, lack of confidence, and depression for so long was because I worried over my own flaws to the extent I’d mistrust anyone who claimed to love or accept them. All I could see was my failures, my struggles, my physical imperfections. I suffered panic attacks and nightmares, drowned in flashbacks of the past as I tried desperately to force myself to see light in my future. I was so suffocated by the damage done to me that I was afraid to swim out of that darkness in case what I met with would be worse. If you’re currently in that headspace, please know that you are not alone. You never have been. And you know what? When you fight through that riptide trying continuously to pull you under, eventually you will reach the surface – and my goodness is it extraordinary!
I used to care so deeply about what other people thought that I ended up in a relationship that could have very well led me to a fate worse than divorce. Please stop trying to fit society’s idyllic image of who it expects you to be. So what if society dislikes your life choices – provided you aren’t causing harm to anyone else and you aren’t doing anything illegal, just be yourself. It does take a heck of a lot of courage to be yourself in a world so enamoured with convention, but you’ve got to embrace who you are because life is too damn short to waste.
The 10th September 2016 was fantastic, though my mind has blocked any record of him from it. All I remember when I recall that day is family and friends being together in happiness, laughing and smiling, forgetting miseries past, nor considering sadness yet to come – everyone soaked in a rare sense of togetherness on a day I unintentionally designed to evolve around the enjoyment of others. So I don’t regard it as ‘my wedding day’ because it wasn’t. The fact I married the wrong man that day was secondary to the joy that day brought to those who attended. Therefore, I have made a promise to myself that on the 10th September every year I will celebrate my power – whatever you have been through, I implore you do the same. Nobody’s experiences ought to be compared to anyone else’s, for we all have unique perceptions of what we’ve been through. Let’s make 10th September a day of compassion without comparison.
The strength you possess within may not reveal itself through convention. Be kind, but please, be yourself! Don’t fall into the trap of being controlled by the vision of yourself you believe best pleases others.
Thank you for reading!
Best wishes,
Dannika <3
Wedding dress comparison 11th Sept 2016 to 4th May 2019 🙂 * My beautiful pony Eira still gives the best cwtches! *
So, it has been an inordinate amount of time since my last blog post – my apologies to those of you who enjoy them! However, as the title of this post suggests, things have been stressful. You might want to get yourself a lovely cup of tea and some super chocolaty biscuits, because this is going to be one lengthy rant (sorry!)…
Cannot remember whether I mentioned previously the whole car debacle – in case I haven’t, here it is: I purchased a second-hand car six weeks ago. It was mechanically sound, drove nicely, and was reasonably priced. Then, en route home, the damn thing started playing up. I’m definitely not the most confident driver, and I prefer to drive automatic cars because they’re more comfortable with my hand injury, so when the stupid thing kept slipping out of ‘Auto’ mode and getting stuck in first gear, that wasn’t helpful. It broke down at least three times in two days. The lady I bought it from kindly offered to take it back and refund the money, but I’m aware the lady is a single mother with three young children who needed a car – so I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do to burden her with it; I told her I’d keep it and get it sorted out, so she didn’t have to worry about it. To be fair to the lady, she was extremely helpful in trying to contact the previous owner in attempt to get him to pay the repair costs – he didn’t, but she made sure our complaint about the car was heard, which I really appreciated. After having two mechanics look at the car, as a last-ditch attempt to get the damn thing sorted, I searched for a local diagnostics garage; luckily, the one I found has been fantastic. Although they’ve had the car a total of four weeks (out of the six weeks I’ve owned the thing), despite their generosity and doing a lot of work on it for free, after I spent hundreds of pounds getting it fixed, we had a discussion today in which they felt it isn’t reliable enough for me – it just wouldn’t put up with the type of use I’d be expecting of it. The car drives superbly, it’s just more suited to someone wanting to travel around town as opposed to long distances through country lanes and over pot-holed farm driveways. Thankfully, the garage have kindly offered to try selling it on for me, though I am going to have to accept a huge loss on what was supposed to be a positive, lifestyle-changing investment. I am now on the lookout for a pink automatic, because I have decided I’m not compromising on the colour of car I’d love; I’ll let you know when I find my perfect car (which I am determined to do, even if it takes a while!). In the meantime, please enjoy this photograph of the number plate omen that I completely missed 🙂
Check out the number plate omen I initially missed!
Moving on from stressful cars, there was a sudden explosion of ragwort in the horses’ field last week. Probably the hot, wet weather – but ragwort is severely toxic to horses so has to be removed from grazing pasture. Therefore, spent hours pulling ragwort with my family and some friends with horses at the yard; which was stressful when the horses kept trying to nibble at the plants, thinking it was some sort of treat we were shoving into bags! Eventually, after much sweat, blood (from brambles, mostly), and tears (from stinging nettles and having flying insects attack us), we got the job done 🙂
I’ve had a heck of a lot of work lately – which is beyond wonderful! However, I continue to fail at time management. This is a constant strain on my physicality (i.e. headaches from staring at screens non-stop) as well as my mentality (i.e. not taking breaks, even on weekends, which leads to random debilitating anxiety attacks). I love my job, I truly do. I am infinitely thankful to be able to do something I love for a living, especially after the up-and-down experiences of working for companies. I’ve also just received the first batch of study materials in preparation for my uni course re-commencing in October – I adore learning, though my gosh are these some enormous textbooks!
I am failing miserably at fulfilling my own sense of self, in that I am continuously putting myself down and piling on my to-do list – instead of heeding my own advice by taking even a moment to be proud of my achievements and actually reap the rewards I’ve earned. My constant state of stress is stressing out my loved ones too, which is what bothers me most of all. This is where that good old adage “do as I say, not as I do” comes into force! I’m going to re-visit the fantastic advice given by family, friends, and kind social media strangers a while ago when I posted about this sort of thing on my personal social media pages – I am determined to fight my anxious tendencies and will learn to trust in my own abilities, as a writer and as a human being. And I promise to let you know exactly how I do that the second of its discovery 🙂
My attempt at re-capturing a positive sense of self, when I didn’t put any products whatsoever on my face the other day – and realised how much the sun had caught my face whilst ragwort pulling!
Whilst you’re awaiting a positive, life-affirming blog post from me, I hope you’ll be enchanted by these photographs I’ve taken over the last few weeks (the numbered photo collage depicts a change in light over a few seconds, taken during a lightning strike a few days ago). I do love nature, and photography 🙂
If you’ve made it to here, please reward yourself with your favourite sweet treat – thank you! I hope, at the very least, my blog post has given you a human insight into the world of a ghostwriter… 🙂
I’ve just seen a post on Facebook by one of my friends and I suddenly felt compelled to write this blog post. I honestly have no idea where I’m going with this, but I have had enough of feeling inadequate and I’m fed up of seeing those around me feel less than good enough too.
The post read: When I say “please don’t take a picture of me” it’s not because I’m being bitchy and stubborn, it’s because if I see that picture I will seriously feel so bad about myself and think I am the ugliest thing on earth and sink a little deeper into self consciousness and hatred.
First of all, now I am totally guilty of this, we *must* learn to stop comparing ourselves to others.
Each and every one of us are unique. We are the only one of ourselves in existence. At this very moment in time, we are the only person living our life. You are the only one reading this post, my words, from your perspective. When we consider our existence from such a profound viewpoint, we realise just how precious we are.
How devastating that we spend so much of our time – that should be filled with happiness, contentment and joy – allowing our own image to be destroyed upon the judgements others make of other people. Since if we think about it, we are our own worst enemy as far as self image is concerned – when was the last time anyone said you didn’t look nice?
Even though my family are brutally honest about my appearance (which is wonderful), I cannot remember the last time any of them said I look awful, or fat, or a mess (in fact, they constantly reassure me I do not) – nor have any of my friends ever said anything derogatory about my appearance, unless perhaps those times I slipped in sheep turd whilst helping out with shearing, or when I’ve fallen off my horse and landed in a muddy puddle; after which we all had a great laugh! I can, however, remember that when I looked in the mirror five minutes ago that I acknowledged how bloated I am, how I really need to lose at least a stone in weight because I dislike the fat blobbed over the back of my bra and want to be lighter for my horses to carry, as well as frustratingly sighing at the vision of spots appearing along my jawline. What I absolutely failed to notice was how amazing my body is for reaching almost 29 years so far, being able to write/ride/drive/do everything I do, coping daily with crippling anxiety caused by emetophobia, still managing to get on with everything despite a severe hand injury (that may never heal), still being able to breathe despite having a broken nose, and being recipient of some fortunate genetic attributes as gifted by generations of my ancestors. I forget to be thankful that when I do have a set routine allowing for time to ride my horses and take my dog on rambling adventures, I do get fit, tone up and lose weight relatively swiftly. I am grateful to be in love and whilst I do feel encompassed by every moment I’m able to spend with him, I have to remind myself that he wouldn’t be with me if I wasn’t remotely attractive. I have always had a dream to write for a living, this year I finally found the courage to take a leap of faith and I’m delighted to be able to write for a living, study, and pursue all of my dreams. I am beyond lucky to be loved, and be able to love, so many inspiring, wondrous people.
So, next time you look in the mirror, please cast aside any negative, self-deprecating thoughts. Look through them and see yourself. Appreciate absolutely every positive attribute you have, because I guarantee there will be too many for you to note in one staring-at-yourself-in-the-mirror session!
Secondly, after some lovely long chats with friends, I realised that it is likely one of the reasons I am feeling so negative about my body image is because I am subconsciously being bombarded with images of women with perfectly toned bodies and flawless skin, unlikely to have ever had an unflattering photograph taken of them in their entire lives, their routines in order and achievements projected from social media accounts saturated with followers telling them every day how great they are. It’s like some unspoken competition has been developed, whereby women have to be seen to support one another, whilst behind the scenes setting up images to share that show their lives only from an idyllic angle, as if in some subconscious form of one-upmanship with all other women. I’ve made a conscious effort to try follow more accounts that promote positive relationships with individuality in its natural form.
The truth is, the people behind those accounts that make us feel crappy about ourselves are unlikely to have it all together and probably have brilliant photography or photoshop skills. Because we are all human, there is absolutely no way on Earth anybody has their lives entirely together 100% of the time. We all have low moments. Unfortunately, at some point in our lives we all suffer pain, and loss, and grief, and have to face adversity. But, when we go through something terrible, we are never alone. And all of us possess the power to overcome, the strength to survive, and the ability to help others using our experiences.
Finally, perfection in its purest, true form *is* attainable, because it is subjective. What I perceive as perfect someone else will not. Therefore, those aspects of our self we see as imperfect are exactly what make us perfect in another’s eyes.
I’m not there yet. I wholeheartedly admit that I have a llooonnngg way to go to feel truly self-confident. And whilst I’ll still refrain from posting super unflattering images in which I believe I look disgusting (mainly to save your sight but also to avoid embarrassing myself), I am going to continue to encourage self-confidence in others.
Being a good person is awesome, but remember, in order to be selfless self-care is vital.
Having a goal to become physically healthier is amazing, but please do so to fulfil your own happiness – not to fulfil a vision of yourself you believe others would rather see.
Lifestyle choices involving exercise and diet should bring you joy, not feel like torture. Find activities you enjoy, eat what makes you feel fantastic, and make the most of every moment instead of punishing yourself for not being the size you were when you were a teenager. Our bodies evolve as our lives move along at their natural pace. We should buy clothes to fit us, not change our bodies to make ourselves fit into clothes (after all, sizes are different depending on their manufacture and materials). When photographs are taken of us during good times, we ought to cherish the moment we were captured within, as opposed to regretting having that photograph taken – I’m sure older generations would give anything to have treasured memories captured forever in a timeless form.
Some days you’ll feel positive and productive, you will complete your to-do list then go on to accomplish everything extra you set out to. Other days, you may feel too exhausted to do much more than wear your scruffiest clothes, eat chocolate and simply survive. Do you know what? That is ok. In fact, we all need a rest sometimes – it’s ideal that is enjoyed before our bodies tire.
Despite what you tell yourself at times, you are beautiful.
Embrace who you are and celebrate your self.
We are all doing our best, let’s give ourselves some long overdue credit.
Anyways, that’s it from me for now; my apologies for the essay! Haha.
Sending lots of love and positivity your way right now <3
Self-care sounds so indulgent, like it’s some sort of ethereal gift allowed only on special occasions – well, that’s what it seems to me anyway. I take care of my personal hygiene (perhaps a little too much, given my OCD for cleanliness), exercise, eat as healthily as I can and manage my responsibilities, but rarely do I spend time truly enjoying my own company.
Here’s what Google has to say about the definition of self-care:
The practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress. “expressing oneself is an essential form of self-care”
I love my family (including the animals!), I love my boyfriend, and I love my friends, so any time I can I spend soaking up their company and making the most of that ‘togetherness’ we’ve all been without for so long (although sadly, we can’t yet see all our family and friends in person). For me, this is a form of self-care, because I relish being surrounded by loved ones.
When alone, however, I am absolutely rubbish at taking breaks whilst I’m working. I get so absorbed by what I’m doing, that I just let time run away with me; then when I’ve stopped working, all I can do is plan and think about work. On the surface, this is great in terms of productivity – because I am a perfectionist, I try my best to create quality, meaningful content, so being able to get projects completed in a timely fashion is a great feeling. Unfortunately, in the long run I find myself physically and emotionally drained all.the.time.
On Monday I decided this is no longer sustainable. I had to get my backside in gear and organise myself properly if I’m to make the most of my life. I’m missing out on a heck of a lot because I’m so damn focused on earning money to keep my animals, and my everyday life, going. I am fed up of living in a constant state of anxious stress. I admit, having my new car stranded in a garage for the last week after it broke down three times within the first two days of owning it has done nothing to help my anxiety or stress levels… Though I took my first steps toward enjoying myself more by making time to enjoy riding my horses and walking my dog instead of just doing so for exercise, I spent quality time cwtched with my boyfriend as we ate great food, watched films and celebrated being together for a whole year; and I actually read a book for fun as opposed to just reading for work or studying.
Taking time to breathe in your life is not a luxury, it is vital.
Making time to nurture your mental and physical well-being is allowed.
Please, don’t ever feel guilty for wanting to make the most of time for yourself.
Self-care is different for each of us. So, here is a brilliant article by Anna Borges that might help you along the path of contentment & if you’d like further advice, you can find some here from mental health charity Mind.
Apologies for the vague blog post title – my creativity decided not to extend that far today…
**Exciting News Alert** I’m now represented by fantastic ghostwriting agency, Top Rated Ghostwriters 😀 I am honoured to be represented by such a brilliant company, whose work ethic complements my own and empathetic ethos guarantees a compassionate yet successful connection between ghostwriters and clients. They have welcomed me into their dynamic, talented team – for which I am exceedingly thankful!
Anyways, how are you? Now lockdown restrictions are easing across the world, are you coping?
As I am emetophobic, anxiety surrounding hygiene and illness transmission is constantly ongoing. It’s a battle I face every day, and whilst that battle used to be demoralising, I am coming to terms with the fact it actually gives me opportunity to prove my inner-strength time and again. So, if you’d like any advice on dealing with anxiety during these challenging times, please don’t hesitate to get in touch 🙂
On a lighter note, I am delighted to have finally spent some quality time with my boyfriend – it’s been a long few months, though our dog was super excited to finally be able to see him too!
Whilst out and about on walks and adventures, I always take photographs of things I find inspiring. I thought I’d share a few with you… Do you take photographs to help inspire your writing, or is it just me?
I’ve been trying out my metaphorical ‘brave pants’ lately as well, and have been helping exercise horses at the riding school I work for between writing projects. It has been immensely confidence-giving, and I hope to transfer that confidence to riding my own horses more often 🙂 Just a shame the weather is so miserable for July.
I didn’t ride either of these two lovely creatures – though as I couldn’t get photos whilst riding, this is the infamous Wizard (bay pony) of my book ‘The Wizard Chronicles’ and Albert (grey horse) Cardiff Riding School’s tallest resident; even in the rain Cardiff Riding School is a magical place 🙂
Also, I maintain my unbeaten record of achieving last place in every video quiz I have completed since the beginning of lockdown; impressive or what 😉 haha! For the lastest quiz I participated in, we had to wear something sparkly – can you spot what my ‘something sparkly’ was? Oh, and I realised that since I work from home 99% of the time, it was acceptable to wear something sparkly, have crazy hair, and wear fluffy socks 🙂
And I end today’s rambling with a revelation – I can finally wear my fringe down again after ruining it a few weeks ago! 😀
Two words unlikely to appear in the same sentence, yet have a fascinating connection, are ‘inspiration’ and ‘silliness’.
When we feel inspired it’s supposed to move us, to motivate us, to keep us moving forward in our lives. Whereas silliness seems to have little substance in adult life, apart from acceptance on television or during peer-pressured drunkenness.
So you may be wondering why I have chosen to write a blog post about these words.
Well, now I’ve officially been an adult for over a decade, I have learned many valuable lessons – one of the most interesting being that silliness can evolve into inspiration.
Anyone who knows me knows I love to make people smile and laugh. It drives me to do all I can to make our world a brighter, more cheerful, kinder place. Although it happens frequently, I still get a wonderful buzz when someone approaches me for help or advice. And to be able earn a living doing something I’m passionate about, whilst making other people’s dreams come true, is an honour as well as a privilege.
A lot of the time adult life calls for us to be serious. Whether that’s maintaining professional mannerisms when dealing with clients, or deciding which provider to choose for your mortgage, or even managing the expectations of those around you because even though you love them dearly and know they love you no-matter what, you still don’t want to disappoint them. All this seriousness means we live 90% of our lives in a heightened state of stress – the other 10% is spent sleeping, or trying to sleep. Some people deal with this stress better than others – I am reminded of this on a daily basis, since sooo many people I know ‘have it together’ according to social media, whereas I still forget to eat lunch most workdays, and have been known to accidentally use deodorant instead of dry shampoo.
This got me to thinking, why does life have to be this way? Why must we all be seen to live such bustling lives to be regarded successful? Why do I allow myself to feel like a blob, and want to cwtch up in my baggiest jumper, whenever I see photos of confident women, wearing whatever the heck they want, even when they’re curvier than I am and have already had like three kids? Why do I beat myself up about not being able to ride my horses often enough, let alone compete them like I used to, despite the fact I have a chronic hand injury that drastically limits my capabilities?
Realisation struck today that the answers to those questions lie heavily upon the curse of social media goggles. It’s that ‘rose-tinted glasses’ affect, but far worse. Glasses grace your face and help you see whilst allowing for peripheral vision, yet goggles give you no choice as to your peripheral vision since they’re strapped tightly to your head. So tightly in fact, that when you eventually take them off, you’re left with red marks around your eyes, the effects of which take time to fade.
Maybe it’s about time we removed those goggles and viewed social media in its true light – as a form of media. When you read a fiction book or watch a blockbuster film, you fully expect scenes written to perfection, every detail taken care of, every character the idealistic image of an aspect of humanity. Despite the fact social media was designed to represent our everyday lives, we forget that it is just another form of media. People won’t share what they don’t want us to see (unless they’re really, really brave!). Silliness seems to have no place in a world striving for perfection. But, just as with fiction books and blockbuster films, we shouldn’t trust what we see on social media as being the full story. Behind every book you read there’s been an entire production team, often including authors or ghostwriters, editors, agents, and publishing companies. Same goes for blockbuster films – I guarantee if it’s big budget, there’s an entire team dedicated to each minuscule portion of that film’s development and production. And whilst we’ve been fooled into thinking social media harnesses each individual voice, algorithms working behind the scenes are what determines the content we see. Therefore, it shapes how we feel about social media, as opposed to allowing us to connect directly with the hundreds of people we ‘follow’ or are ‘friends’ with, and making our own minds up about them. That masterful direction means we are being exposed to an edited version of people, even people we see every day in person. For all its awesomeness, social media cannot replace true human connection.
Social media should not dictate that which defines us as ‘successful’. We are unique. Success is different for each of us.
So, actually, life doesn’t have to be stressful in order for us to be regarded successful. If you look back over your life and recognise that you’re in a healthier, happier place than you were a year or two ago, then congratulations – you’re winning!
Social media makes me feel like I should be going to a gym then sharing my sculpted form with ‘followers’ or ‘friends’, and buying expensive clothes that flatter my figure that I should post all over my social media profiles to show off, and I should learn to perfect make-up/camera-angles in order to attract higher-paying clients, and I should be posting 50 updates a day about what I’m doing to reach to a wider audience, and I should have my life in such great order that every day is prosperous. But do you know what, my respect for all these amazing women and men who seem capable of juggling every aspect of their life shouldn’t end with them, it should extend to myself.
I have to stop caring what social media has conditioned me to believe represents success. I am a powerful woman because I have overcome some horrible experiences and worked unbelievably hard to get to the fortunate position I am in today. I shall continue to work tirelessly to inspire an even better tomorrow, so I am going to stop allowing social media to make me feel like I’m not worthy, because you know what? I damn well am! Are you with me? I’d love to hear your success stories – whether that extends to writing a bestselling novel, or running an excellent charity, or something as seemingly humble as being a good person in a self-centred world. Because you, my friend, are marvelous and it’s about time someone noticed 🙂
And just so you know this isn’t empty narrative, I’ll include some of the silliness I’ve participated in over the last few days that inspired me to write this post…
Life can be tough, but it can also be amazing.
Stay well, stay safe, and please, keep smiling… <3
Best wishes,
Dannika
So, here is a snapshot of the silliness I’ve participated in this week… 1.) Whenever I walk anywhere I take photographs of trees I think look interesting and could tell a story – you know, just in case I decide to write that story some day. 2.) I bought my horses fly masks to protect them from flies as well as prevent sunburn, and whilst I thought they’d look super smart, they ended up looking like Star Wars characters! 3.) I was exceedingly excited to purchase brand new stable yard tools – then realised they match my wellies; bonus! 4.) I like my feet being covered when I’m sat down, even when they’re not that cold, so Cai automatically sits on my feet when he sees they’re uncovered! 😀
** EDIT: I have now created a website – in collaboration with fellow emetophobia reviewers – where you’ll discover an extensive listing of films and TV series that have been reviewed for their emetophobia rating! **
Please visit The Emet. Review website for more information, resources, and reviews 🙂
Following is a list I’ve compiled that I am hoping to continue to update as and when I can. It contains listings of various films and TV programs, accompanied by an image explaining whether they are ‘safe’ for emetophobia suffers. I’m improving all the time, though I do still get difficult days when I can only watch ‘safe’ media. Therefore, I’m hoping – during this terrifying time of isolation – to help others feel more comfortable enjoying films and TV programs.
If you can’t see what film or TV program you’re looking for, please do check another emetophobia review page on Instagram, here! 🙂
** Disclaimer ** Individuals have different triggers, this list is based on my own, which may well differ to yours!
(Apologies it’s not yet in alphabetical order – I hope to get around to organizing the listings when I can…)
Film or TV program either completely safe, or, containing mild mention at most.
NO instance, NO sounds, NO triggering actions (e.g. intense coughing/choking, liquid from mouth, spitting etc.).
Film or TV program contains mention, and/or minor sounds, and/or potentially triggering actions (e.g. intense coughing/choking, liquid from mouth, spitting, etc.).
NO instance.
Film or TV program definitely not safe!
Contains dramatic, triggering sounds.
Containsgraphic visual instance(s).
TV Programs
(S = Series, E = Episode)
Friends
Friends – S1, E2
Friends – S1, E3
Friends – S1, E4
Friends – S1, E5
Friends – S1, E6
Friends – S1, E8
Friends – S1, E9
Friends – S1, E12
Friends – S2, E9
Friends – S1, E10
Friends – S1, E11
Friends – S1, E12
Friends – S1, E13
Friends – S1, E14
Friends – S1, E15
Friends – S1, E16
Friends – S1, E17
Friends – S1, E18
Friends – S1, E19
Friends – S1, E19
Friends – S1, E20
Friends – S1, E21
Friends – S1, E22
Friends – S1, E23
Friends – S1, E24
Friends – S2, E1
Friends – S2, E2
Friends – S2, E3
Friends – S2, E4
Friends – S2, E5
Friends – S2, E6
Friends – S2, E7
Friends – S2, E9
Friends – S2, E10
Friends – S2, E11
Friends – S2, E12
Friends – S2, E14
Friends – S2, E15
Friends – S2, E16
Friends – S2, E17
Friends – S2, E18
Friends – S2, E19
Friends – S2, E20
Friends – S2, E21
Friends – S2, E22
Friends – S2, E23
Friends – S2, 24
Friends – S3, E1
Friends – S3, E2
Friends – S3, E4
Friends – S3, E5
Friends – S3, E6
Friends – S3, E7
Friends – S3, E9
Friends – S3, E10
Friends – S3, E11
Friends – S3, E12
Friends – S3, E13
Friends – S3, E14
Friends – S3, E15
Friends – S3, E16
Friends – S3, E17
Friends – S3, E18
Friends – S3, E19
Friends – S3, E20
Friends – S3, E21
Friends – S3, E22
Friends – S3, E23
Friends – S3, E24
Friends – S4, E1
Friends – S4, E2
Friends – S4, E3
Friends – S4, E4
Friends – S4, E5
Friends – S4, E6
Friends – S4, E7
Friends – S4, E8
Friends – S4, E9
Friends – S4, E11
Friends – S4, E12
Friends – S4, E13
Friends – S4, E14
Friends – S4, E16
Friends – S4, E17
Friends – S4, E18
Friends – S4, E19
Friends – S4, E20
Friends – S4, E21
Friends – S4, E22
Friends – S4, E24
Friends – S5, E1
Friends – S5, E2
Friends – S5, E3
Friends – S5, E4
Friends – S5, E5
Friends – S6, E9
Brooklyn Nine Nine
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E2
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1,E5
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E6
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E11
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E13
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E14
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E15
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E16
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E17 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E10
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E19
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E22
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E1 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E2 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E4
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E5
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E6 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E7
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E10
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E11
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E12 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E13
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E14
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E15
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E16
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E17
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E18
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E19
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E20
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E21
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E22
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E23
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E1
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E2
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E4
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E7
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E8
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E9
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E10
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E11
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E13
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E14 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E15
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E16
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E17
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E18
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E19 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E20
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E21
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E22
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E23 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E1 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E2
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E4
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E5
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E6
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E7
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E8
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E9
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E11
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E12
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E13
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E16 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E18
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E19
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E21
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E22
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E1
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E3
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E4
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E5
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E6
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E7
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E8
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E9
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E10
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E11
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E12
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E13
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E14
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E15
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E16
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E17
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E19 (mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E21
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E22
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E1
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E3
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E4
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E8
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E9
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E10
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E11
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E12
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E13
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E14
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E15
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E16
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E17
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E18
Bodyguard, BBC
Bodyguard – S1, E1
Bodyguard – S1, E5
The Good Place, Netflix
The Good Place – S1, E1
The Good Place – S1, E3
The Good Place – S1, E4
The Good Place – S1, E5
The Good Place – S1, E6
The Good Place – S1, E7
The Good Place – S1, E8
The Good Place – S1, E9
The Good Place – S1, E10
The Good Place – S1, E11
The Good Place – S1, E12
The Good Place – S1, E13
The Good Place – S2, E4
The Good Place – S2, E7
The Good Place – S2, E8
The Good Place – S2, E9
The Good Place – S2, E10
The Good Place – S2, E11
The Good Place – S2, E12
The Good Place – S3, E1
The Good Place – S3, E2
The Good Place – S3, E3
Red Dwarf
Red Dwarf – S1, E2
Red Dwarf – S1, E3
Red Dwarf – S1, E4
Red Dwarf – S1, E5
Red Dwarf – S1, E6
Red Dwarf – S2, E3
Red Dwarf – S2, E5
Red Dwarf – S4, E1
IT Crowd
IT Crowd – S1, E1
IT Crowd – S1, E2
IT Crowd – S1, E4
IT Crowd – S3, E2
Miranda
Miranda – S1, E1
Miranda – S1, E2
Good Girls, Netflix
Good Girls – S1, E3
Good Girls – S1, E4
Good Girls – S1, E5
Good Girls – S1, E6
Good Girls – S1, E7
Good Girls – S1, E8
Good Girls – S1, E9
Good Girls – S1, E10
Good Girls – S3, E3
Big School, BBC
Big School – S1, E1
Big School – S1, E3
Big School – S1, E4
Outnumbered
Outnumbered – S1, E1
Outnumbered – S1, E2
Gavin & Stacey
Gavin & Stacey – S1, E1
Gavin & Stacey – S1, E2
Gavin & Stacey – S1, E3
Gavin & Stacey – S1, E4
Gavin & Stacey – S1, E6
Gavin & Stacey – S2, E1
Gavin & Stacey – S2, E2
Gavin & Stacey – S2, E4
Gavin & Stacey – S2, E5
Gavin & Stacey – S2, E6
Gavin & Stacey – S2, E7
Gavin & Stacey 2008 Christmas Special
Gavin & Stacey – S3, E1
Gavin & Stacey – S3, E2
Gavin & Stacey – S3, E4
Gavin & Stacey – S3, E5
Gavin & Stacey – S3, E6
Gavin & Stacey 2019 Christmas Special
Suits
Suits – S1, E2
Suits – S1, E3
Suits – S1, E4
Suits – S1, E5
Suits – S1, E6
Suits – S1, E7
Suits – S1, E8
Suits – S1, E9
Suits – S1, E10
Suits – S1, E11
Suits – S1, E12
Suits – S2, E2
Suits – S2, E3
Suits – S2, E4
Suits – S2, E5
Suits – S2, E6
Suits – S2, E8
Suits – S2, E9
Suits – S2, E10
Suits – S2, E11
Suits – S2, E12
Suits – S2, E13
Suits – S2, E14
Suits – S2, E15
Suits – S2, E16
Suits – S3, E1
Suits – S3, E2
Suits – S3, E3
Suits – S3, E4
Suits – S3, E5
Suits – S3, E6
Suits – S3, E7
Suits – S3, E8
Suits – S3, E9
Suits – S3, E10
Suits – S3, E11
Suits – S3, E12
Suits – S3, E13
Suits – S3, E14
Suits – S4, E1
Suits – S4, E2
Suits – S4, E3
Suits – S4, E4
Suits – S4, E5
Suits – S4, E6
Suits – S4, E7
Suits – S4, E8
Suits – S4, E9
Suits – S4, E10
Suits – S4, E11
Suits – S4, E12
Suits – S4, E14
Suits – S4, E15
Suits – S4, E16
Suits – S5, E2
Suits – S5, E3
Suits – S5, E4
Suits – S5, E5
Suits – S5, E6
Suits – S5, E7
Suits – S5, E8
Suits – S5, E9
Suits – S5, E10
Suits – S5, E11
Suits – S5, E12
Suits – S5, E13
Suits – S5, E14
Suits – S5, E15
Suits – S5, E16
Suits – S6, E1
Suits – S6, E2
Suits – S6, E3
Suits – S6, E4
Suits – S6, E5
Suits – S6, E6
Suits – S6, E7
Suits – S6, E8
Suits – S6, E9
Suits – S6, E10
Suits – S6, E11
Suits – S6, E12
Suits – S6, E13
Suits – S6, E14
Suits – S6, E15
Suits – S6, E16
Suits – S7, E1
Suits – S7, E2
Suits – S7, E3
Suits – S7, E4
Suits – S7, E5
Suits – S7, E6
Suits – S7, E7
Suits – S7, E8
Suits – S7, E9
Suits – S7, E10
Suits – S7, E11
Suits – S7, E12
Suits – S7, E13
Suits – S7, E14
Suits – S7, E15
Suits – S7, E16
Suits – S8, E1
Suits – S8, E2
Suits – S8, E3
Suits – S8, E4
Suits – S8, E5
Suits – S8, E6
Suits – S8, E7
Suits – S8, E8
Suits – S8, E9
Suits – S8, E10
Suits – S8, E11
Suits – S8, E13
Suits – S8, E14
Suits – S8, E15
Suits – S8, E16
Suits – S9, E1
Suits – S9, E2
Suits – S9, E3
Suits – S9, E4
Suits – S9, E5
Suits – S9, E6
Suits – S9, E7
Suits – S9, E9
Suits – S9, E10
The Umbrella Academy, Netflix
The Umbrella Academy – S1, E1
The Umbrella Academy – S1, E2
New Girl
New Girl – S1, E1
New Girl – S1, E2
New Girl – S1, E3
New Girl – S1, E4
New Girl – S1, E5
New Girl – S1, E7
New Girl – S1, E12
New Girl – S1, E14
New Girl – S1, E15
New Girl – S1, E17
New Girl – S1, E23
New Girl – S2, E1
New Girl – S2, E3
New Girl – S2, E7
New Girl – S2, E8
New Girl – S2, E9
New Girl – S2, E10
New Girl – S2, E11
New Girl – S2, E13
New Girl – S2, E14
New Girl – S2, E15
New Girl – S2, E16
New Girl – S2, E17
New Girl – S2, E19
New Girl – S2, E21
New Girl – S2, E22
New Girl – S2, E24
New Girl – S2, E25
New Girl – S3, E1
New Girl – S3, E2
New Girl – S3, E16
Only Fools & Horses
Only Fools & Horses – S3, E1
Series of Unfortunate Events, Netflix
Series of Unfortunate Events – S3, E1
Locke & Key, Netflix
Locke & Key – S1, E1
Locke & Key – S1, E2
Locke & Key – S1, E3
Locke & Key – S1, E4
Locke & Key – S1, E5
Locke & Key – S1, E7
Locke & Key – S1, E9
Locke & Key – S1, E10
The Big Bang Theory
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E3 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E10 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E12 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E14 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S1, E17 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E6 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E14 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E18
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S2, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E7 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E18
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E20 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S3, E23 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E20 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E23 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S4, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E19 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E21 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S5, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E18 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S6, E24 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E6 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E16 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E17 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S7, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E11 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E13 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E18
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S8, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E13 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S9, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E2 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E12 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E14
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E18
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S10, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E3 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E4 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E6
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E14 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E15
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E16
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E18
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E21
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E23
The Big Bang Theory – S11, E24
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E1
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E2
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E3
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E4
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E5
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E6 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E7
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E8
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E9
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E10
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E11
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E12
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E13
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E17
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E18 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E19
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E20
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E21 (mention)
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E22
The Big Bang Theory – S12, E23
Staged, Netflix
Staged – S1, E1 (mention)
Staged – S1, E2
Staged – S1, E3
Staged – S1, E4
Staged – S1, E5
Staged – S1, E6
Arrow
Arrow – S1, E1
Friends
Friends – S1, E1 (spitting out water)
Friends – S1, E7 (spitting out of chewing gum)
Friends – S2, E8 (spitting out food)
Friends – S2, E13 (over-dramatic dying noises)
Friends – S3, E3 (spitting out of jam)
Friends – S3, E8 (hyperventilating into paper bag)
Friends – S4 Title Sequence (intense coughing)
Friends – S4, E23 (intense coughing)
Good Girls, Netflix
Good Girls – S1, E1
Good Girls – S1, E2 (spitting out of a chip)
Good Girls – S3, E1 (g*gging)
Good Girls – S3, E6 (spitting after brushing teeth)
Brooklyn Nine Nine
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E1 (spitting out food)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E3 (spitting out food)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E4 (borderline g*gging)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E6 (mention: v* on costume)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E7 (borderline g*gging)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E8 (g*gging at smelly shoe)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E9 (spits pizza into bucket)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E10 (borderline g*gging)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E12 (minor g*gging)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E18 (choking on hair)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E20 (spitting out of an almond)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S1, E21 (mention of st*mach f*u)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E3 (mention of food p*isoning, looking s*ck & b*cket)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E8 (minor choking on mouth spray)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S2, E9 (spitting)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E3 (spitting out food)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E6 (spitting out of a drink)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S3, E12 (spitting out food)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E3 (g*gging)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E14 (spitting)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E15 (spitting out cement)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E17 (g*gging & lots of mention)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S4, E20 (spitting out fuel)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E2 (spitting out of a cookie)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E18 (coughing)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S5, E20 (lots of t*ilet flushing)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E2 (reactions to gross smells)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E6 (hyperventilating into a bag)
Brooklyn Nine Nine – S6, E7 (choking & mention)
The Good Place
The Good Place – S1, E2 (lots of mention)
The Good Place – S2, E1 (arm in mouth/spitting)
The Good Place – S2, E3 (joke g*gging)
The Good Place – S2, E5 (spitting out of a toad)
The Good Place – S2, E6 (projectile spitting of coins)
Red Dwarf
Red Dwarf – S1, E1 (spitting out soup)
Red Dwarf – S2, E2 (mentions st*mach p*mp)
Red Dwarf – S2, E4 (mentions st*mach p*mp)
Red Dwarf – S2, E6 (spitting out beer)
Red Dwarf – S3, E1 (eats food backwards)
IT Crowd
IT Crowd – S1, E3 (sauce mistaken for something)
IT Crowd – S1, E5 (carries around b*cket of chicken)
Only Fools & Horses
Only Fools & Horses – S3, E1 (coughing/spluttering)
