Animals’ Guide to the Human Race

* Third Edition *

D.E. Kendall

Animals’ Guide to the Human Race

D.E. Kendall

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

All names, characters and incidents in this book are the work of the author’s imagination, as this book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, and any events described is entirely coincidental and has no relation to anyone bearing the same, or similar, name or names. All incidents are pure invention and not related to any individual known or unknown to the author.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in book reviews as permitted by copyright law.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, or otherwise circulated without the author’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without a similar condition, including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Dedicated to all the wonderful animals (and humans!) who inspire me…

Also, special dedication goes to my late grandmother, Elsie, who believed in me and always supported my writing.

Dear Human,

Thanks to top-secret, high-specification, super-technical apparatus (and a thesaurus), we’ve cast our thoughts unto paper for the very first time. While we understand this may come as a bit of a shock as we’re so tolerant, there is a lot about humans that we find, well, weird.

Initially, we compiled this guide for fellow subservient species, with a view to helping them understand the strange ways of the imperious Homo Sapien. However, that top-secret, high-specification, super-technical apparatus we mentioned earlier was destroyed in an ‘accident’ (likely by human overlords terrified of our ‘inevitable rise to power’).

Therefore, we’ve had no choice but to rely on our human friends to craft this introduction, to explain that we’re now presenting you with this underrated masterpiece of science, so you can have a laugh on your lunch break, on holiday, or on the loo.

We hope our observations of your perplexing species are as amusing and confusing as you are to us. Plus, our bite-sized contributions are so short that they won’t take up much of your unfathomably hectic schedule.

Sincerely,

Animals

Contents

Small Pets……………………………………. 1

#21 Syrian Hamster ………………. 2

#29 Guinea-Pig …………………… 7

#30 Lop Rabbit …………………… 8

#35 Budgerigar …………………… 11

Cats…………………………………………. 13

#51 Bengal Cat …………………… 14

#52 British Shorthair ……………… 21

#53 Tabby Cat ……………………. 24

#54 Ginger Cat …………………… 26

#55 Siamese Cat ………………….. 30

#56 Calico Cat ……………………. 33

#59 Ragdoll Cat …………………… 35

Dogs ………………………………………… 38

#61 Dalmatian …………………….. 39

#62 C.K.C. Spaniel ……………….. 42

#64 Labrador ………………………. 46

#67 Collie cross …………………… 50

#68 Great Dane …………………….. 53

#70 Springer Spaniel ……………… 56

#72 Golden Retriever cross ……….. 57

#74 Jack Russell cross …………….. 58

#75 Yorkshire Terrier ……………… 62

#78 Staffordshire Bull Terrier …….. 64

Horses ………………………………………. 66

#81 Welsh Section D …………….. 67

#82 Piebald Cob cross …………… 68

#83 Dutch Warmblood cross …….. 70

#86 Thoroughbred ……………….. 73

#94 Anglo-Arabian Horse ……….. 77

#100 Connemara cross …………… 82

Exotic Pets …………………………………. 84

#101 Pygmy Hedgehog …………… 85

#104 Cockatoo ……………………. 86

#109 Bearded Dragon …………….. 87

#110 Chameleon ………………….. 88

Farm Residents ……………………………. 89

#40 Dexter Cow …………………… 90

#41 Holstein-Friesian ………………. 91

#44 Jacob Ram ……………………….. 92

#45 Cheviot Ewe ………………….. 94

#46 Saddleback Sow ……………… 97

Zoo Residents ……………………………… 98

#3 Chimpanzee …………………… 99

#4 Marmoset ……………………… 101

#6 Elephant ………………………. 102

#8 Rhinoceros ……………………. 104

#13 Python ……………………….. 107

#15 Penguin ……………………… 109

Contributor #30

Lop Rabbit

It was a Thursday afternoon. The store had been quiet, much like any other Thursday afternoon. At some point, rain broke through a crash of thunder and pelted the steel roof overhead – as if an omen for the horror about to unfold.

Others chose to hide away from the unnerving sense of impending doom, but I did not. I sat in the open to await my fate.

Suddenly, at the very moment a bolt of lightning illuminated the dull car park, a fluffle of humans scrambled through the automatic doors and stumbled onto the shop floor. There were four of them – one adult, three kittens. That poor adult didn’t stand a chance.

One of our carers greeted them with unease, and the smallest pointed a grubby finger straight at me. While the adult appeared to be encouraging their litter to ponder a hamster, it seemed my glossy coat was far too enticing, and the young ones made a dash for my enclosure. The others were right to hide.

All three of them smushed their soiled faces against the glass separating me from their germ-riddled aura. I refused to run away. I’d dealt with young humans before, I could do it again. This was what I’d been trained to do.

So, the carer carefully lifted me from the safety of my enclosure and placed me onto the lap of one of those humans. The stickiness of their hands grated against my aversion to grime, but, being the professional I was, I endured. That was, until the carer turned and the smallest human gripped my ears like the last slice of carrot from a food dish!

Instinctively, I span around and sunk my teeth into the sticky flesh of the littlest one. Upon retraction of my teeth, blood spurted from the holes I’d pierced in their hand like water from the fountain at the front of the store. The sound that leaked from the smallest human was almost as unbearable as it was satisfying, and I was flung to the cold concrete.

I hopped to my enclosure in hope I’d be returned home, but I wasn’t. Instead, the adult human seemed so delighted by the situation that the carer scooped me into their arms and plonked me into a plastic carrier box with bars across its only entrance and exit.

The journey to hell was long but silent, aside the occasional spurt of sobbing from the smallest human.

Upon arrival, I was left to await my fate from a vantage point atop a shiny counter. As soon as my cell had been prepared, the adult released me into it.

There was barely the room to stretch. While I had free access to food, water, and a litter tray, I was located in the midst of human activity and forced to endure the booming sounds of a talking mirror, the constant patter of foul-smelling human feet, and relentless attempts by the adult to encourage me to eat carrot – as if they intended to taunt me.

It has been seven long years.

My punishment for damaging a human has cost me a life of luxury. Initially, I was employed by the adult to administer behavioural management; I was deployed whenever the young humans became unruly, because they were so terrified of me that my presence could instantly render them still and quiet.

However, I’m proud to say that my rehabilitation is going well, and I haven’t tasted human flesh in over three years. I should be heading back to the store any day now!

Humans might be powerful, filthy creatures who know next to nothing about coat hygiene, but they certainly know their way around justice.

Contributor #75

Yorkshire Terrier

I take my job very seriously. Humans are terrible at guarding their own territory, so I took it upon myself to protect them.

My experience as a stray, and the fact I survived an entire year in kennels, has given me an edge on the humans. After all, humans never put themselves in lonely kennels that require a certain toughness to survive – the humans I live with get antsy if their TV time is interrupted; they wouldn’t last a day in kennels.

The worst thing humans can do is allow strangers into their territory, yet my humans do so regularly. Of my many triumphs in the months I have lived with the new human pack, the ultimate has to be what my humans refer to as ‘the pizza incident’. It was late, skies outside were dark, and the humans were settled quietly into their saggy sofas for their coveted TV time. Then, the doorbell rang unexpectedly, startling the humans, causing them to jump up and rush around frantically in search of weapons to fend off the intruder. As they rallied around with those round discs they store in the food room, I raced to the door just as a human opened it. He may have been presenting them with a box that smelled incredible, but there was something I couldn’t trust about that particular intruder as his outstretched hand crossed my threshold. So, I launched at him and managed to grab hold of a zip dangling from the front of his leg warmers. I held on as tightly as possible, while the creature squealed unnaturally and span around wildly in an attempt to detach me. The lovely smelling box was flung high into the air as the intruder danced about in terror. There was a brief moment I worried I’d lose grip when the zip slid down and my back paws scraped the ground, but I held fast. Thankfully, the new humans realised what I was doing and grabbed hind legs to help pull me harder, causing the intruder to cry. That tussle continued until I ripped material from the intruder’s leg warmers, by which time he stumbled his way back to his noisy bike and meandered up the road as fast as he could. Ever since that day, humans who brandish delicious-smelling boxes stand behind the gate to my threshold during interactions with the humans.

There is a form of intrusion I seem to be engaged in constant battle with, however, and that is the front door hole. Even though my humans have blocked the front door hole with a gold flap, things still get shoved through it almost every day. I ensure the humans are safe by shredding anything pushed into my territory. Sometimes it angers them, but I know humans will realise it’s for their own good, eventually.

Contributor #100

Connemara cross

Overhearing your own ‘for sale ad’ is enough to turn anyone into a bitter, miserable husk; not me. I’m using this opportunity to craft a ‘for sale ad’ for the human I heard rehearsing the article she was creating to pass me off on the next ‘child’ – who inevitably turns out to be taller than the average tree and sends me packing to the next stable within a month because they’ve ‘outgrown’ my (perfect) petite physique.

This is the human’s ‘for sale ad’ for me: “Very sad sale of talented mounted games pony. Connemara cross. Gelding. 13hh. 11 years old. Always in the ribbons and quick off the mark. No vices but does kick door at feeding time. Great for farrier, vet, dentist, physio, etc. 100% to clip, travel, groom. Amazing with kids. Builds confidence in nervous and novice riders. Vetting and trial welcome. Call or text for more info.”

No idea what goats have to do with it, but that human was liberal with the truth. I hate the vet, never see the dentist without heavy sedation, and the farrier is terrified of me.

So, this is my ‘for sale ad’ for that one:

“For sale, 15-year-old mounted games fanatic. Eats too many sandwiches, not up for sharing. Probably at risk of laminitis. Height: too tall. Misbehaves when denied winning place at competitions. Loves vet, farrier, dentist visits; provided those with whom they’re dealing are deemed ‘attractive’. Not a sad sale since they pull too tightly on the reins, bounce too much on the saddle, and whine too much about losing. Vices include – but are not limited to – morning moodiness, poor hygiene, and never carrying mints. Trials welcome, provided I can watch.”

Honesty is always the best policy, though I don’t think there’s a pony on the planet crazy enough to choose that human!

Note from the Author

Thank you for purchasing this book. I hope you enjoyed the ‘contributions’ within.

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Fiction Sample (Humour), ‘Animals’ Guide to the Human Race’

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